"Man of My Dreams"

Today I went back to group. It was a good day. Paul is such a cool guy, really nice. Other than Demetrius, the other dudes there are...well honestly...I don't care for them too much. I always had a feeling Andre never liked me, ever since he came 2 my house w/ Anthony & them, but he said he didn't the first week. For some reason I don't exactly believe him. I don't know why, I mean, I don't have a problem with him, but I just don't see myself getting too friendly with him. It could be cuz, honestly, I have a bit of resentment towards him. Reason shall not be spoken. Anyway, the other dude Lenny, is straight up WEIRD. He has a major crush on Demetrius, & he always like, walks with me & Demetrius when we leave, and feels the need to stay with one of us the whole time. I mean, if dude got a crush on me, that's cool, I'm not into him, but it's cool. He keeps asking me if I like him and I'm like sorry but no, he's not my type. Which brings me to my next subject lol. We did this...exercise, I guess you could say, where we just picture the "man of our dreams". Now let me tell you...I've never really had a specific "type" exactly, so it was a little difficult for me, but when I got into it...LAWD. I mean Paul was getting into DETAIL cuz he would be like "is he white or black" "is he tall or short" etc etc. So my man was around 6'2, light skinned, had braids, either Caribbean or Puerto Rican/Dominican, muscular, not too much, but like...just right, had a real masculine swagger to him. Kinda somethin' like that lol, or like my Twitter crush omggggg, he's so cute, and nice, and great, and omg I'm rambling hahaha. Lemme say if I woulda been listening to somethin like Afrodisiac while I had that image in my head, chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile, I woulda needed some tissue LOL. Oh & his sex was absolutely mind-blowing, in my head lol, but anyway, it was a really good day there today. I mean, it's always cool there, but today was especially awesome haha. I really like going there, it sucks next Friday is the last session. Oh oh oh, I applied 4 a job up at a new CVS that just opened near my house, Lawd I hope I get this job. I gotta start makin' calls about GED classes, cuz I'm going outta my mind in this house all day! I'm still feelin' some type of way about...the unnamed friend, from my last blog. I don't know what's my issue, but it's getting to me more & more, and I'm really tryna stop it. I wish I could just be friends w/ him, and be satisfied. Whatever I guess...I'll get over it with time? *mind you it's been going on two years now*. I don't think I have much else to say tonight so...on that note, goodnight! lol.

Nothin' but <3,
~Anthony

Late Night Thoughts

Well...here I am...up hella late, & got 18,346 emotions & thoughts running through this head of mine. Not exactly sure why...okay I lied, I was on Demetrius' Facebook page cuz I saw he put up a new pic so I went, looked at it, & looked at another and saw Darryl's comment from a while back, when I still had feelings 4 him, and it really...idk, I guess you could say brought back some old memories? I honestly have no type of feelings of any kind for him anymore, not even on a friendship level cuz of the shit he pulled, but I do, slightly miss the times we spent together. Me, him, & Ebony. It was genuine fun. Aside from the mind-blowing sex (lol) we just had good times together. I look back though, and think, "was it real?" It's been brought to the light how much of a fake, manipulative person he was, so it really makes me wonder if his "friendship" was just an act or not. It kills me even more that I fell for someone like that. It's on to the next one now, he's gone, & I'm truly happy he is. Huge weight off my back, & heart (which is fragile as it is). Ugh, enough about that headache of a human. I've been thinking...if you see that a friend is upset, wouldn't you wanna help them? Or at least ask what's wrong? I feel like a few people who I thought would, don't really do that for me. I mean, I could be acting a little selfish, but when the roles are reversed, I'm always there, so why can't it be the same way vice-versa? Idk, it makes me feel like they don't care the way they say. As a matter of fact, it's not they, it's him, one single person. I don't wanna name him, cuz I don't feel like dealing with the drama, plus I'm sure if he reads it, he'll know it's about him. I feel like he's totally fake towards me, like he's just my friend now out of pity, & I don't need that. I know when I'm not liked, and I get the feeling from him. He doesn't pay attention to half of the things I say. Most of the time, our conversations have no life to them like they used to. It seems like he has time for everybody else, except me, on the rare occasion I ask for it. Worst of all, I don't think I can trust him & it feels like he keeps secrets, and not the kind of secrets that are meant to be kept, but little things. I mean...isn't honesty & trust key in ANY kind of relationship, no matter what? There are times I really feel like letting him go, but I can never bring myself to it, & it sucks. A Twitter friend of mine has gave me advice, & I know I should take it, but like I said, it's hard 2 let go, & I don't like it. I wanna surround myself with new, more positive people, but it's a rarity 2 find people like that nowadays. I know I sound all negative & crap, but it's true. Especially around here. I started going to these group meetings 4 gays, & I thought I woulda met new people there, but I knew them all already. I tried social sites, & anyone I met lives miles away. I guess I should just count my blessings huh? I just applied for a job, which I really think I'm gonna get. I'm gonna call about starting GED classes tomorrow. So here's to things going up from here!

Another thing is...I feel like I can be an attention whore at times, and I've never denied that I am. I think I need 2 stop tryna do so much to be liked, but at the same time, it feels so natural that I don't see it as a problem. GAH my mind is so conflicting, I can't stand it. I'm just gonna end this before I look like a psychopath.

Nothin' but <3,
~Anthony