Still Awake

So I'm still awake...just thinking, and I felt the need to blog, lol. I guess you could say I forgot to put this in with the last blog? Anyways lol, I think my crush is feelin' someone I know, and that person is feelin' em back, & I don't know what 2 think. I mean, I can't really get MAD, cuz it's not like we exclusive, but I am jealous, and I don't like it. It be so awkward when we all in TinyChat and their just kinda doin they own thing so to say, and I'm just like...ugh. Like, not in a bitter way, but in more of a...damn I wish it were me kinda way, you know? It sucks ASS. I try to not let my emotions show in my face, and I hope it works, and sometimes I just have to leave cuz it's too much. I really don't know what imma do. I suppose I just need 2 suck it up, and let it be. Oh...and long story short, CL, the other dude, yeah I think he was a fake, he just up & deleted his Twitter, and some shit was just fishy. I knew it was too good 2 be true that someone was REALLY feelin' me like THAT. Well...Goodnight I guess =/

Nothin but <3,
~Anthony

Updates Updates Crush Updates

Well...it's been a little TOO long since I've been on this lol. Where do I start huh? Well Sunday was NYC Pride. I was originally supposed 2 go with Demetrius, Ebony, two of her friends, and a Twitter friend of mine, TT. It didn't end up that way lol. Ebb's two friends canceled, TT got caught working, and Demetrius ended up inviting 3 other people, then when we were getting on the train we ran into Jeff & Glynn, who I haven't seen in FOREVER. It was good 2 see em cuz me & Jeff are like real close. The actual parade was good, I saw Mel B from the Spice Girls but she didn't see me lol. I was lookin 4 some cuties but they were unfortunately scarce. Jeff, Glynn, & Shannon all ended up leaving before it was over, so just me, Demi, Ebb, & Demi's two friends Joseph & Anthony went to BBQ's cuz I was huuuuungry lol. Dinner was more fun than the parade IMO. I guess cuz it was a smaller setting, and that's more my type of thing. Anyone can see the pix from Pride on my FB, the link should be on the side of the blog. Oh oh I'm totally over E.L.M. (see previous posts). Something about him after a while just turned me off and I realized we'd be better friends I guess. I've moved on to a new crush, who is just...wow. I don't know how to explain it lol. I know it's like that with all my crushes, but it's serious. This guy is really...incredible. I've HONESTLY never met someone who was so sweet 2 me. It's a shame he's so far, cuz we connect pretty well. We talk pretty often, and he's just SO nice. I couldn't help but fall for him lol. He's such a charmer. Now the thing is today someone started following me on Twitter and he started flirting with me and stuff, and he is FINE. Another sweetheart. Ugh what is it about these boys? lol. Now usually I'm the one who initiates the flirting or whatever, but it was HIM who did it, which caught me COMPLETELY off guard. So I'm kinda torn because my actual crush, Anthony, is sooooo awesome, and I really have like...feelings 4 him and stuff, but this other boy, CL, wants ME, and I don't know how to handle it because when I catch feelings I catch em HARD. I'm hoping CL grabs my attention completely so I can move the hell on, cuz it's not doing me any good. He's such a GREAT friend, and he told me my feelings wouldn't change our friendship, but I don't wanna have him see my real Cancer side, and how I get OD jealous so easily. So I'm hoping for the best with this whole crush business. It's really...really...not easy. I guess that's all I had to get out for now so until next time...

Nothin but <3,
~Anthony

Whoa.

Okay...first of all, WOW. I just read some of my old posts and can't believe how angry I get. I need to choose my words wiser or people might think I'm crazy...er...than they already know. lol. I might say I wanna eat my life away (lol) but I would NEVER honestly consider any type of suicide. That's NOT the route I wanna go, it's just the way I'm feeling at the time, and I gotta express it you know? So yeah...I guess I just wanna clear that up haha. =)

Nothin but <3,
~Anthony

E.L.M.

Exotic Lover Man.

Sooooo...there's a guy...lol. I met him through the wonderful Twitterverse, and he's like...awesome. I don't know what it is about him, but I have the BIGGEST little Twitter crush ever. I don't even really know him that well, but what I do know is just...close to perfection. He's nice, he's mysterious, he's good lookin' which hell let's all be honest up in here ain't hurtin' at ALL lol, he's just not like any guy I've talked to before, so it's also something new which is good. I can't help but smile half of the time we talk, or when someone brings him up. It's odd though, because I feel like I'm too deep into it, when it's really nothing, cause he doesn't even know (at least not from me!), and he doesn't live in NY, but you can't control how you feel right? I mean I'm not like OMGINLOVE with the dude, it's honestly just a crush, but like one of those school girl crushes where you gawk at everything the person does lol. Well...I'm just gonna go on with life, and let my inner school girl do her thang honey, cuz I am NOT complaining. Maybe one day I'll work up the nerve to tell him. ^_^

Nothin' but <3,
~Anthony

Fuck Bitches Who Don't Care

So the whole week I've been in a pretty fucked up state of mind, and it seems like the people I used to depend on, don't seem to give a shit, or don't understand. Everybody's caught up in their own stuff, and I'm stuck to drown in my own fucked up feelings. You know when you try & subtly, yet obviously, try to mention something to someone, and the only thing they can talk about is their fucking self? Or when you try to straight out explain that you're just pissed for no reason and someone doesn't believe you, or tries to pry for information that isn't there? I go through so much annoying shit on a daily basis, and I really don't bitch about it until it gets too much to handle. I'm a complex individual when it comes to my emotions and if I'm not taken care of the right way I get bitchy, fast. What really fucking kills me is the people closest to me KNOW THIS and yet they ignore it. You know what....fuck it. Fuck it all. Fuck people, fuck life, fuck tryna be a good friend, fuck it all. I'm so tired of TRYING TO be the good guy & all I do is get screwed the fuck over. I really just need to surround myself with new people because honestly I'm just not feelin' the people I fucks with no more. I just want to fucking cry and eat my problems, and my shitty fucking life away. It's not like anyone genuinely gives a shit, and if they do, they have a fucked up way of showing it. Real motherfucking talk. So with all that bullshit said, and let out, fuck you, have a nice day, and leave me the fuck alone. Take it how you want it.

Nothin' but...yea...,
~Anthony




**if you were offended by this post, then it obviously pertained to YOU.**

Inferior Feelings

You ever deal with someone in your life who constantly makes you feel inferior? Whether they do it deliberately, or not, it's...flat out horrible. I...have a friend, who I just...it's hard to put into words cause I totally haven't got it figured out myself, but I know I need to let it out, hence the blog. Anyway, yeah, it's like...they make me feel like I'm nobody basically, like everybody would rather know them than me. Another friend once told me mixing friends is a bad idea, and I agree now. I just think that some of the people I met, that I introduced this person to, like him soooo much better, and it makes me feel shitty cuz I'm like, hello, yea, I kinda knew you first. Now I KNOW not EVERYONE'S going to like me, and I accept that, but it's not like me & this friend met a person at the same time and they like them better. I knew them prior, and it's like, fucka Anthony, such-and-such is so much cooler, and that really pisses me off. I feel like just giving up on people cuz it seems like I'm never...good enough. I don't know. I'm constantly second-guessing myself, and making sure I say the right thing so shit like that DOESN'T happen. Maybe I'm coming across selfish, but is there honestly something wrong with just wanting to keep groups of friends separate? It's bad enough that I only have 2 or 3 REAL friends that all know each other that I can go to in Mount Vernon, so shouldn't I be able to have other people to go to that don't know my Mt. Vernon friends? I think that's pretty fair in all honesty, but, you know, life ain't always fair so I guess I gotta deal with this and just...keep it movin' along, right? Anyway, to anyone who might come across & read this, please let me know what you think on the subject, I could really use some opinions/help. Thanks :-)

Nothin' but <3,
~Anthony

"Man of My Dreams"

Today I went back to group. It was a good day. Paul is such a cool guy, really nice. Other than Demetrius, the other dudes there are...well honestly...I don't care for them too much. I always had a feeling Andre never liked me, ever since he came 2 my house w/ Anthony & them, but he said he didn't the first week. For some reason I don't exactly believe him. I don't know why, I mean, I don't have a problem with him, but I just don't see myself getting too friendly with him. It could be cuz, honestly, I have a bit of resentment towards him. Reason shall not be spoken. Anyway, the other dude Lenny, is straight up WEIRD. He has a major crush on Demetrius, & he always like, walks with me & Demetrius when we leave, and feels the need to stay with one of us the whole time. I mean, if dude got a crush on me, that's cool, I'm not into him, but it's cool. He keeps asking me if I like him and I'm like sorry but no, he's not my type. Which brings me to my next subject lol. We did this...exercise, I guess you could say, where we just picture the "man of our dreams". Now let me tell you...I've never really had a specific "type" exactly, so it was a little difficult for me, but when I got into it...LAWD. I mean Paul was getting into DETAIL cuz he would be like "is he white or black" "is he tall or short" etc etc. So my man was around 6'2, light skinned, had braids, either Caribbean or Puerto Rican/Dominican, muscular, not too much, but like...just right, had a real masculine swagger to him. Kinda somethin' like that lol, or like my Twitter crush omggggg, he's so cute, and nice, and great, and omg I'm rambling hahaha. Lemme say if I woulda been listening to somethin like Afrodisiac while I had that image in my head, chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile, I woulda needed some tissue LOL. Oh & his sex was absolutely mind-blowing, in my head lol, but anyway, it was a really good day there today. I mean, it's always cool there, but today was especially awesome haha. I really like going there, it sucks next Friday is the last session. Oh oh oh, I applied 4 a job up at a new CVS that just opened near my house, Lawd I hope I get this job. I gotta start makin' calls about GED classes, cuz I'm going outta my mind in this house all day! I'm still feelin' some type of way about...the unnamed friend, from my last blog. I don't know what's my issue, but it's getting to me more & more, and I'm really tryna stop it. I wish I could just be friends w/ him, and be satisfied. Whatever I guess...I'll get over it with time? *mind you it's been going on two years now*. I don't think I have much else to say tonight so...on that note, goodnight! lol.

Nothin' but <3,
~Anthony