Still Awake

So I'm still awake...just thinking, and I felt the need to blog, lol. I guess you could say I forgot to put this in with the last blog? Anyways lol, I think my crush is feelin' someone I know, and that person is feelin' em back, & I don't know what 2 think. I mean, I can't really get MAD, cuz it's not like we exclusive, but I am jealous, and I don't like it. It be so awkward when we all in TinyChat and their just kinda doin they own thing so to say, and I'm just like...ugh. Like, not in a bitter way, but in more of a...damn I wish it were me kinda way, you know? It sucks ASS. I try to not let my emotions show in my face, and I hope it works, and sometimes I just have to leave cuz it's too much. I really don't know what imma do. I suppose I just need 2 suck it up, and let it be. Oh...and long story short, CL, the other dude, yeah I think he was a fake, he just up & deleted his Twitter, and some shit was just fishy. I knew it was too good 2 be true that someone was REALLY feelin' me like THAT. Well...Goodnight I guess =/

Nothin but <3,
~Anthony

Updates Updates Crush Updates

Well...it's been a little TOO long since I've been on this lol. Where do I start huh? Well Sunday was NYC Pride. I was originally supposed 2 go with Demetrius, Ebony, two of her friends, and a Twitter friend of mine, TT. It didn't end up that way lol. Ebb's two friends canceled, TT got caught working, and Demetrius ended up inviting 3 other people, then when we were getting on the train we ran into Jeff & Glynn, who I haven't seen in FOREVER. It was good 2 see em cuz me & Jeff are like real close. The actual parade was good, I saw Mel B from the Spice Girls but she didn't see me lol. I was lookin 4 some cuties but they were unfortunately scarce. Jeff, Glynn, & Shannon all ended up leaving before it was over, so just me, Demi, Ebb, & Demi's two friends Joseph & Anthony went to BBQ's cuz I was huuuuungry lol. Dinner was more fun than the parade IMO. I guess cuz it was a smaller setting, and that's more my type of thing. Anyone can see the pix from Pride on my FB, the link should be on the side of the blog. Oh oh I'm totally over E.L.M. (see previous posts). Something about him after a while just turned me off and I realized we'd be better friends I guess. I've moved on to a new crush, who is just...wow. I don't know how to explain it lol. I know it's like that with all my crushes, but it's serious. This guy is really...incredible. I've HONESTLY never met someone who was so sweet 2 me. It's a shame he's so far, cuz we connect pretty well. We talk pretty often, and he's just SO nice. I couldn't help but fall for him lol. He's such a charmer. Now the thing is today someone started following me on Twitter and he started flirting with me and stuff, and he is FINE. Another sweetheart. Ugh what is it about these boys? lol. Now usually I'm the one who initiates the flirting or whatever, but it was HIM who did it, which caught me COMPLETELY off guard. So I'm kinda torn because my actual crush, Anthony, is sooooo awesome, and I really have like...feelings 4 him and stuff, but this other boy, CL, wants ME, and I don't know how to handle it because when I catch feelings I catch em HARD. I'm hoping CL grabs my attention completely so I can move the hell on, cuz it's not doing me any good. He's such a GREAT friend, and he told me my feelings wouldn't change our friendship, but I don't wanna have him see my real Cancer side, and how I get OD jealous so easily. So I'm hoping for the best with this whole crush business. It's really...really...not easy. I guess that's all I had to get out for now so until next time...

Nothin but <3,
~Anthony

Whoa.

Okay...first of all, WOW. I just read some of my old posts and can't believe how angry I get. I need to choose my words wiser or people might think I'm crazy...er...than they already know. lol. I might say I wanna eat my life away (lol) but I would NEVER honestly consider any type of suicide. That's NOT the route I wanna go, it's just the way I'm feeling at the time, and I gotta express it you know? So yeah...I guess I just wanna clear that up haha. =)

Nothin but <3,
~Anthony

E.L.M.

Exotic Lover Man.

Sooooo...there's a guy...lol. I met him through the wonderful Twitterverse, and he's like...awesome. I don't know what it is about him, but I have the BIGGEST little Twitter crush ever. I don't even really know him that well, but what I do know is just...close to perfection. He's nice, he's mysterious, he's good lookin' which hell let's all be honest up in here ain't hurtin' at ALL lol, he's just not like any guy I've talked to before, so it's also something new which is good. I can't help but smile half of the time we talk, or when someone brings him up. It's odd though, because I feel like I'm too deep into it, when it's really nothing, cause he doesn't even know (at least not from me!), and he doesn't live in NY, but you can't control how you feel right? I mean I'm not like OMGINLOVE with the dude, it's honestly just a crush, but like one of those school girl crushes where you gawk at everything the person does lol. Well...I'm just gonna go on with life, and let my inner school girl do her thang honey, cuz I am NOT complaining. Maybe one day I'll work up the nerve to tell him. ^_^

Nothin' but <3,
~Anthony

Fuck Bitches Who Don't Care

So the whole week I've been in a pretty fucked up state of mind, and it seems like the people I used to depend on, don't seem to give a shit, or don't understand. Everybody's caught up in their own stuff, and I'm stuck to drown in my own fucked up feelings. You know when you try & subtly, yet obviously, try to mention something to someone, and the only thing they can talk about is their fucking self? Or when you try to straight out explain that you're just pissed for no reason and someone doesn't believe you, or tries to pry for information that isn't there? I go through so much annoying shit on a daily basis, and I really don't bitch about it until it gets too much to handle. I'm a complex individual when it comes to my emotions and if I'm not taken care of the right way I get bitchy, fast. What really fucking kills me is the people closest to me KNOW THIS and yet they ignore it. You know what....fuck it. Fuck it all. Fuck people, fuck life, fuck tryna be a good friend, fuck it all. I'm so tired of TRYING TO be the good guy & all I do is get screwed the fuck over. I really just need to surround myself with new people because honestly I'm just not feelin' the people I fucks with no more. I just want to fucking cry and eat my problems, and my shitty fucking life away. It's not like anyone genuinely gives a shit, and if they do, they have a fucked up way of showing it. Real motherfucking talk. So with all that bullshit said, and let out, fuck you, have a nice day, and leave me the fuck alone. Take it how you want it.

Nothin' but...yea...,
~Anthony




**if you were offended by this post, then it obviously pertained to YOU.**

Inferior Feelings

You ever deal with someone in your life who constantly makes you feel inferior? Whether they do it deliberately, or not, it's...flat out horrible. I...have a friend, who I just...it's hard to put into words cause I totally haven't got it figured out myself, but I know I need to let it out, hence the blog. Anyway, yeah, it's like...they make me feel like I'm nobody basically, like everybody would rather know them than me. Another friend once told me mixing friends is a bad idea, and I agree now. I just think that some of the people I met, that I introduced this person to, like him soooo much better, and it makes me feel shitty cuz I'm like, hello, yea, I kinda knew you first. Now I KNOW not EVERYONE'S going to like me, and I accept that, but it's not like me & this friend met a person at the same time and they like them better. I knew them prior, and it's like, fucka Anthony, such-and-such is so much cooler, and that really pisses me off. I feel like just giving up on people cuz it seems like I'm never...good enough. I don't know. I'm constantly second-guessing myself, and making sure I say the right thing so shit like that DOESN'T happen. Maybe I'm coming across selfish, but is there honestly something wrong with just wanting to keep groups of friends separate? It's bad enough that I only have 2 or 3 REAL friends that all know each other that I can go to in Mount Vernon, so shouldn't I be able to have other people to go to that don't know my Mt. Vernon friends? I think that's pretty fair in all honesty, but, you know, life ain't always fair so I guess I gotta deal with this and just...keep it movin' along, right? Anyway, to anyone who might come across & read this, please let me know what you think on the subject, I could really use some opinions/help. Thanks :-)

Nothin' but <3,
~Anthony

"Man of My Dreams"

Today I went back to group. It was a good day. Paul is such a cool guy, really nice. Other than Demetrius, the other dudes there are...well honestly...I don't care for them too much. I always had a feeling Andre never liked me, ever since he came 2 my house w/ Anthony & them, but he said he didn't the first week. For some reason I don't exactly believe him. I don't know why, I mean, I don't have a problem with him, but I just don't see myself getting too friendly with him. It could be cuz, honestly, I have a bit of resentment towards him. Reason shall not be spoken. Anyway, the other dude Lenny, is straight up WEIRD. He has a major crush on Demetrius, & he always like, walks with me & Demetrius when we leave, and feels the need to stay with one of us the whole time. I mean, if dude got a crush on me, that's cool, I'm not into him, but it's cool. He keeps asking me if I like him and I'm like sorry but no, he's not my type. Which brings me to my next subject lol. We did this...exercise, I guess you could say, where we just picture the "man of our dreams". Now let me tell you...I've never really had a specific "type" exactly, so it was a little difficult for me, but when I got into it...LAWD. I mean Paul was getting into DETAIL cuz he would be like "is he white or black" "is he tall or short" etc etc. So my man was around 6'2, light skinned, had braids, either Caribbean or Puerto Rican/Dominican, muscular, not too much, but like...just right, had a real masculine swagger to him. Kinda somethin' like that lol, or like my Twitter crush omggggg, he's so cute, and nice, and great, and omg I'm rambling hahaha. Lemme say if I woulda been listening to somethin like Afrodisiac while I had that image in my head, chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile, I woulda needed some tissue LOL. Oh & his sex was absolutely mind-blowing, in my head lol, but anyway, it was a really good day there today. I mean, it's always cool there, but today was especially awesome haha. I really like going there, it sucks next Friday is the last session. Oh oh oh, I applied 4 a job up at a new CVS that just opened near my house, Lawd I hope I get this job. I gotta start makin' calls about GED classes, cuz I'm going outta my mind in this house all day! I'm still feelin' some type of way about...the unnamed friend, from my last blog. I don't know what's my issue, but it's getting to me more & more, and I'm really tryna stop it. I wish I could just be friends w/ him, and be satisfied. Whatever I guess...I'll get over it with time? *mind you it's been going on two years now*. I don't think I have much else to say tonight so...on that note, goodnight! lol.

Nothin' but <3,
~Anthony

Late Night Thoughts

Well...here I am...up hella late, & got 18,346 emotions & thoughts running through this head of mine. Not exactly sure why...okay I lied, I was on Demetrius' Facebook page cuz I saw he put up a new pic so I went, looked at it, & looked at another and saw Darryl's comment from a while back, when I still had feelings 4 him, and it really...idk, I guess you could say brought back some old memories? I honestly have no type of feelings of any kind for him anymore, not even on a friendship level cuz of the shit he pulled, but I do, slightly miss the times we spent together. Me, him, & Ebony. It was genuine fun. Aside from the mind-blowing sex (lol) we just had good times together. I look back though, and think, "was it real?" It's been brought to the light how much of a fake, manipulative person he was, so it really makes me wonder if his "friendship" was just an act or not. It kills me even more that I fell for someone like that. It's on to the next one now, he's gone, & I'm truly happy he is. Huge weight off my back, & heart (which is fragile as it is). Ugh, enough about that headache of a human. I've been thinking...if you see that a friend is upset, wouldn't you wanna help them? Or at least ask what's wrong? I feel like a few people who I thought would, don't really do that for me. I mean, I could be acting a little selfish, but when the roles are reversed, I'm always there, so why can't it be the same way vice-versa? Idk, it makes me feel like they don't care the way they say. As a matter of fact, it's not they, it's him, one single person. I don't wanna name him, cuz I don't feel like dealing with the drama, plus I'm sure if he reads it, he'll know it's about him. I feel like he's totally fake towards me, like he's just my friend now out of pity, & I don't need that. I know when I'm not liked, and I get the feeling from him. He doesn't pay attention to half of the things I say. Most of the time, our conversations have no life to them like they used to. It seems like he has time for everybody else, except me, on the rare occasion I ask for it. Worst of all, I don't think I can trust him & it feels like he keeps secrets, and not the kind of secrets that are meant to be kept, but little things. I mean...isn't honesty & trust key in ANY kind of relationship, no matter what? There are times I really feel like letting him go, but I can never bring myself to it, & it sucks. A Twitter friend of mine has gave me advice, & I know I should take it, but like I said, it's hard 2 let go, & I don't like it. I wanna surround myself with new, more positive people, but it's a rarity 2 find people like that nowadays. I know I sound all negative & crap, but it's true. Especially around here. I started going to these group meetings 4 gays, & I thought I woulda met new people there, but I knew them all already. I tried social sites, & anyone I met lives miles away. I guess I should just count my blessings huh? I just applied for a job, which I really think I'm gonna get. I'm gonna call about starting GED classes tomorrow. So here's to things going up from here!

Another thing is...I feel like I can be an attention whore at times, and I've never denied that I am. I think I need 2 stop tryna do so much to be liked, but at the same time, it feels so natural that I don't see it as a problem. GAH my mind is so conflicting, I can't stand it. I'm just gonna end this before I look like a psychopath.

Nothin' but <3,
~Anthony

Everything to Me

The most AMAZING Monica has released her new single from her new album coming out later this year, it's called "Everything to Me" and I LOVE IT! Which is weird cuz I have no one to make me feel like that but OH WELL lol, check it out!

Can't Keep Up!

OMG it's been a while since I've posted...I knew I couldn't keep up with this like I said lol. Anyways let's see...well...Saturday was my Grandfather's funeral mass at a church up in Connecticut...it was really, REALLY nice. I got to see family who I haven't seen in a while, and no matter how anti-social i am/was I still love them! Even though it was a sad occasion, it was still a good time to me, cause I don't see my family often, so it's nice to see them regardless. Yesterday was...pretty lame, just sat around the house all day & did nothing, like always, I'm such a loser lol. Today we went back to CT for the burial service. My poor mommy...she was a wreck, as was my uncles. It was a really nice service tough, & both times we went out to eat at some restaurants that were owned by family members, & the food was EXCELLENT! ^__^. Last week, since I didn't blog all then, was okay, I was kinda depressed all week but I'm over it now, I don't know what was wrong with me but...it was messy. Very, very messy. OH OH OH, I got my ID in the mail today and umm....yeah....i hate it! I want a do over! The picture was horrible, I looked like a serial killer/my father, which isn't a good mix! LOL. So I wanna go back to the DMV and spend another $13 to get it taken over, I can't live with that picture lol. Other than all that, nothing's really been going on. Tomorrow, Ebony's coming over, & I'm going out to Cross County (hopefully) with Demetrius on Wednesday, so we'll see how that goes. I guess that's really it so...I'm off of here, 'till later!!


~Anthony

Ignorance

Here I am...back again. I was in my bed just now...and started to get like...really depressed, so I thought, "Hey, why not go blog?" lol. My plans for today were canceled, Ebony's still babysitting & don't know when she's gonna be able to get off, that sucks doesn't it? Yeah it does! I really wanted me some Pizza Hut!! Oh well, not like plans ever stay solid anyway, no tea no shade to my friends. Anyways...you ever have someone in your life that always seems to try to be better than you? On purpose? I really feel that way about some people sometimes, and it pisses me off. What's the point in trying to prove you're better than somebody else? It just makes you look pathetic, in my opinion. Anyway, I was watching TV, & The Rosa Parks Story was on again, & I saw a commercial about this show coming on the Food Network with some Mexican lady, and it took me back to my last blog about the ignorance in people, and it made me realize that even people I know are like that. This is in no way to offend the people I'm talking about if they read this, just an observation. For example, Ebony. She really doesn't like Mexican people...for like...no solid reason. They creep her out, like she can't be near one or anything. Also, she says she has no problem with LGBT people, which is surprising, cause she's Jamaican, but yet, she says things like "he's too gay" or when she calls me a fag when I'm talkin' about a guy I might really like or something. So to me, it just shows that she's still got some of that homophobia. One day she told me sexuality can be a choice, and I told her straight up it was ignorant. You can't choose who you're attracted to, it just happens. It just...bothers me, that we're such great friends, and she still says things that piss me off, but that's life...right? You're not gonna agree with every single thing somebody says. Ignorance & obliviousness are probably the two things that annoy me most in life. Especially if they're combined in a person, but I think I'll save that for another day. As for now, I''ve pretty much accomplished what I came here to do so...until next time! <3


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Now playing: Lady GaGa - So Happy I Could Die
via FoxyTunes

Another day...*slight rant*

Well...here I am...another boring day. Life really ain't it all cracked up to be! This weekend was okay, I spent some time with Ebony & Demetrius on Saturday. We just kinda chilled and watched a movie, same ol' crap. Yesterday was bleh, just sat on the pc, & around the house. I did start taking some GED practice tests online though. Turns out I'm not as ready as I thought I was. I really need to find me someplace that offers classes, or something. Being outta school for so long really does fuck with your head. I thought I woulda known most of the stuff, well I did, I mostly made stupid mistakes cause I was kinda rushing, like I always do. That was my problem in school, I was lazy, & I rushed through things. Well, anyway, hopefully I get better at these things so I can pass the actual test.
Last night I was watching The Rosa Parks Story on BET with Angela Bassett, who is a PHENOMENAL actress might I add, and it made me realize how much I really HATE ignorance, like how could people seriously sit there and have so much hatred for people who just have a different shade of skin? What's the problem? It makes no difference. It's a pigment, nothing less, nothing more. Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day by the way. I was gonna go around and jokingly say Happy Black People Day, but I thought people might get offended, because I'm "white", so I changed my mind. Anyways, back to the movie & such, yeah, it REALLY annoyed me how ignorant people were, and still are. I think racism, or any discrimination is completely immoral, but at the same time, I'm not a huge fan of "white" people myself, but only the ones who are still stuck in the mentality that "black" people are less of a people than anyone else is. I use the terms "white" & "black" loosely because, in reality, nobody is "black" or "white". It's practically impossible to be either of those actual shades/colors. Well enough about that, cause I think I made my points, and I could probably go on forever coming from a bisexual "white" man myself. In the meantime, I'm sitting around waiting for Ebony to finish babysitting, we're supposed to go out to Pizza Hut in New Ro later, but I'm not feeling too hot, hopefully I'll get over that, cuz they're food is bomb! lol.
My mom's been doing okay after my Grandfather passed, but I know it's just an act. She's probably a mess inside. I still feel horrible about not being all upset about his passing but...it's not something I can change. Can you blame me for not being close to my family? I never was, I was always the shy little one who never really talked to anybody. I guess I can't really do anything but be there for her, which I absolutely am! I love my mother to death, I'm such a momma's boy :-).
Well...I guess that's about it for now...not much else to talk about that I can think of. Write you laters!

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Now playing: Melanie B. - Hotter
via FoxyTunes

R.I.P. Grandpa

Well today my grandfather, on my mothers side, passed away, around 1:15AM. My grandmother on her side passed in April of '09. I really don't like when my family members pass, because I was never really close to them, so I feel like a real asshole when I'm not around crying over their death, don't get me wrong, I'm upset, I just don't show it. Is that bad? I don't know...it's just...weird. I only cried at the mass we had for my grandmother when she passed, I think cause the whole church element got to me, I'm not used to it, plus everyone else was crying. Anyways, Jennifer's baby got pneumonia today, and he's not even a month old. I was so freaked when she told me, cause I know how horrible she must feel, today was supposed to be her daughter's 3rd birthday party, but she ended up in the hospital with her new-born son. Sad situation. That's my best friend since 7th grade & we've been through hell, back to earth, back to hell, & right back to earth, those are my God-children mann!!! On top of that, the year has just been straight up crappy. I found out I can't take my GED test until after June because the class of 2010 has to graduate since I was supposed to graduate with them (i think). Hopefully I can take some classes or SOMETHING cuz I'm starting to feel like a bum ass sitting around all day in my momma's house & I'm bout 2 be 18. I been getting in arguments with Demetrius again lately. I don't wanna get into it, cause I really don't know what to do with him anymore. Old feelings are starting to slowly creep back & I'm tryna ignore them the best I can!! Then Darryl is tryna come back into Ebony's life & I don't know how to feel about that cause all the bullshit he caused, but I'm the type of person who forgives (way too easily) people. I'm not feeling too good either, my tummy hurts! Well I think that's about all the writing I can do for now...

~Anthony


OH! Check out KSZD Weekly, a new podcast/blog, who's logos I designed! The link is on the side of my blog :-)



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Now playing: Fantasia - When I See U
via FoxyTunes

*SIGH*

UGH, I knew I wasn't gonna keep up with this thing, I'm gonna try & write a lot later tonight though when I have serenity.

Good Morning / First Post

Good Morning! OMG last night was...hilarious. I was on Twitter for a good 2 or 3 hours talking/fuckin' around with these people I met from watching this guy Alonzo Lerone's BlogTV sessions, and it was too much fun. I didn't get to sleep 'till like 3AM. It's weird because literally right before I got on Twitter I was just feelin' really...upset-like. I even shut my phone off after my best friend was supposed to call, but I just started feeling real crappy. Gotta thank them peeps from Twitter for cheering me up, I needed it. Well anyways...my phone woke me up this morning, it was Jennifer. She's lucky she just had that baby or I woulda punched her in the damn stomach for callin' me so early, she know damn well I don't be waking up 'till lke 10 LOL. So I gotta go look up info for her later about shelters and all that jazz. Demetrius said we was gonna try & come over today...hope it happens, I'm bored as hell & could use some company, even though I got OD chores to do, but I can multitask...I hope. Well, anyways, guess I'll go now...I'll find SOMETHING to talk about later, trust & believe lol.

~Anthony

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Now playing: Chrisette Michele - Fragile
via FoxyTunes