Late Night Thoughts

Well...here I am...up hella late, & got 18,346 emotions & thoughts running through this head of mine. Not exactly sure why...okay I lied, I was on Demetrius' Facebook page cuz I saw he put up a new pic so I went, looked at it, & looked at another and saw Darryl's comment from a while back, when I still had feelings 4 him, and it really...idk, I guess you could say brought back some old memories? I honestly have no type of feelings of any kind for him anymore, not even on a friendship level cuz of the shit he pulled, but I do, slightly miss the times we spent together. Me, him, & Ebony. It was genuine fun. Aside from the mind-blowing sex (lol) we just had good times together. I look back though, and think, "was it real?" It's been brought to the light how much of a fake, manipulative person he was, so it really makes me wonder if his "friendship" was just an act or not. It kills me even more that I fell for someone like that. It's on to the next one now, he's gone, & I'm truly happy he is. Huge weight off my back, & heart (which is fragile as it is). Ugh, enough about that headache of a human. I've been thinking...if you see that a friend is upset, wouldn't you wanna help them? Or at least ask what's wrong? I feel like a few people who I thought would, don't really do that for me. I mean, I could be acting a little selfish, but when the roles are reversed, I'm always there, so why can't it be the same way vice-versa? Idk, it makes me feel like they don't care the way they say. As a matter of fact, it's not they, it's him, one single person. I don't wanna name him, cuz I don't feel like dealing with the drama, plus I'm sure if he reads it, he'll know it's about him. I feel like he's totally fake towards me, like he's just my friend now out of pity, & I don't need that. I know when I'm not liked, and I get the feeling from him. He doesn't pay attention to half of the things I say. Most of the time, our conversations have no life to them like they used to. It seems like he has time for everybody else, except me, on the rare occasion I ask for it. Worst of all, I don't think I can trust him & it feels like he keeps secrets, and not the kind of secrets that are meant to be kept, but little things. I mean...isn't honesty & trust key in ANY kind of relationship, no matter what? There are times I really feel like letting him go, but I can never bring myself to it, & it sucks. A Twitter friend of mine has gave me advice, & I know I should take it, but like I said, it's hard 2 let go, & I don't like it. I wanna surround myself with new, more positive people, but it's a rarity 2 find people like that nowadays. I know I sound all negative & crap, but it's true. Especially around here. I started going to these group meetings 4 gays, & I thought I woulda met new people there, but I knew them all already. I tried social sites, & anyone I met lives miles away. I guess I should just count my blessings huh? I just applied for a job, which I really think I'm gonna get. I'm gonna call about starting GED classes tomorrow. So here's to things going up from here!

Another thing is...I feel like I can be an attention whore at times, and I've never denied that I am. I think I need 2 stop tryna do so much to be liked, but at the same time, it feels so natural that I don't see it as a problem. GAH my mind is so conflicting, I can't stand it. I'm just gonna end this before I look like a psychopath.

Nothin' but <3,
~Anthony